Otherworldly PatronNotes from the Palm: This and the College of Ooc bard are both very tongue-in-cheek, but should be fairly balanced and acceptable for play in a regular (albeit a bit odd) game. Also, the conversational tone is intended.
None of this is real, not a lick of it. You, me, the whole damn world: we're nothing but pencil scratches on some pieces of paper. It doesn't matter if you believe me, because there's nothing you or I can do about it. The world is the way it is, and it only exists so long as the DM wants to tell a story; after that, the whole thing goes poof.
The DM isn't one creature. It might be male, female, or something in between. Maybe it's old, young, handicapped, healthy, smart, dumb; or any one of a million different things. The DM may be no more powerful than a commoner in its own world, but to our world, its will is absolute. The DM grants us our powers and its laws and decisions dictate the way everything in our world works. In fact, it can change the very fabric of reality on a whim. Those that fight the will of the DM find that its ire is easy to rouse and hard to be rid of, but if you cater to it and play along with the story that it wants to tell, you might find that things go very well for you.
The DM Spells
You must know that you're being controlled. As a point of fact, the being controlling you is a Player; you are a Player Character. This is a good thing, for there is no greater hero than one at the whims of a Player. Because of this, you can take comfort in the fact that the DM is crafting a story for you to play a part in, and that you and your travelling party are likely major players.
At 1st level, you gain advantage on Persuasion and Deception skill checks when interacting with friendly NPCs. Be warned, though: the DM is capricious, and may revoke this ability when he feels that it is not appropriate.
Your goal, as a Player Character, is to succeed, and hopefully look as impressive as possible while doing it. Consequently, failure isn't generally an option for you and your traveling companions. Because you are aware of this, you can gain the unique ability to pull victory out of your ass when you otherwise should have failed. Starting at 6th level, on any occasion that you attempt an attack roll, skill check, or saving throw and it fails, you may re-roll that check; you must take the results of the re-roll.
You should exercise caution with ability: using it too often will easily inspire the wrath of the DM, who will be inclined to force your player to destroy you and select a new, dumber, champion. You can safely do this once; you should take a long rest before you do so again.
Another part of your goal as a Player Character is to complete the story the DM is crafting with you; there's an overarching plot, and your role in it is pivotal. As such, the whole universe has an incentive to keep you and your merry band of mates alive; if you all died, the whole thing collapses. At 10th level, once per day, following a short or long rest, you and any allies in your party gain temporary HP equal to your warlock level + your Charisma modifier.
OP Class Feature
Understanding the Game is the only way to truly make yourself powerful. The world, for better or worse, is balanced in its own way: no one is too weak or too powerful, since that would be no fun. This was a bigger problem in previous versions of our world, but has gotten better over time. Knowing this, though, allows you to temporarily turn things heavily in your favor, though it runs great risk of offending the other players or even the DM. At 14th level, as a bonus action, you may break the balance of the Game, allowing you to deal maximum damage with your cantrips for one minute.
Of course, the DM is capricious, and may think of something more interesting or thematic to do instead. Still, the DM will never brook with a creature that tries to abuse this sort of power; once you use this ability, you must take a long rest before doing so again.
Changelog: 5/25/16: Plot Armor: Short or long rest